I am a lazy blogger! But Im also 20 weeks pregnant!

Well, I still cant write Archie birth story, maybe I should leave it and just have it in my head?

Im now 20 weeks and 4 days exactly!!! I am so pleased to be this far and I want to remember how amazing it is to be this far on and that I am so lucky that I am just kind of being like any other pregnant woman. Im not on bed rest and apart from lots and lots of appointments with the amazing Mr Simpson Im just great.

I do get anxious, really bad. Like today, I just had this thought, what if, my waters go in the next 3 weeks? I mean it probably wont happen, the injections are working and I am not having contractions and I am also feeling so good. BUT BUT BUT, i have to remember my cervix has strated to open and there is only a stich holding my baby inside me.

Oh and did I say Im having a girl!!!! Now thats a whole other post on wether or not I am going to have a better relationship with her than I did with my Mum. They do say pregnancy is like going through 3 years of therapy!!!

Well, DP is at work and I have to go and do the dishwasher and then I am going to sit down with some mint match makers and giant parma violets, you just have to love the pregnancy cravings!!!!!!

Im back, and its all a bit rosier around here!

Well, Im here and I think one of the reasons that I haven't been able to blog is that I know I have to write Archies birth story. I did have to give birth knowing that my son who I could still feel kick me was going to die when i did and to relive all that is going to take alot. I need to do it before little peeps arrives...just not yet!

So here I am 9 weeks and 4 days. I feel tired, slight nauesa and headaches now and again, Ive had to speak to E about the curcial time when I am going to need lots of help and I know that I will need to pay someone to help with DS and you know what I will pay whatever it takes. I cant loose another child. It will break me and probably our family.

But I do LOVE being pregnant! Love love love it!
Although I cant really write much now, i am gald to be back and I want to remember everything!
So just to remind me and for you all. I took DS to a planeterium today for story time under the stars. It was magical. I will never forget DS lying on me as we watched the stars, listend to the story and then we all sang his favourite song twinklw twinklw, just amazing. I love my son, he really is the light of our lives. i cant wait for our next baby to make our lives even brighter. And he/she will I KNOW it!

Im back, and its all a bit rosier around here!

Really should be working!

But Im not!
I am fidnign everything and anything to look at but write the damn essay!

Archie has been kicking me loads and I love to feel him so much of the day has been spent sitting here rubbing my tummy!!!

I am still waking up with back ache and DP is being so lovely and sleeping with me up in the attic on the futon. Except I am sleeping on two duvets as well as the mattress. I feel for her and she has had to put up with my moaning about my tummy hurting and my constipation.

Although we do ahve days when we think that the is something wrong with the other. I still worship DP just like I did when we first met 4 years ago. I know it might not be the most healthy thing but its more equall than it sounds. She and Taylor and the tow people that I think of all the time and I wake up and think how lucky I am to be loved by her and to have our gorgeuos son. I just wish my pregnancy journey wasnt being such a hassle.

I worry that DP thinks why cant we just make another baby and be done with it! There has to be something wrong!!!!! Well I hope that makes Archie more special, it does already for me!!!

Then weather is getting warmer and it is so nice to be able to sit outside and enjoy it. DS can play with his toy car and its great just to watch him.

Well I should really go and make sure I do some work today!

Dont really want to blog

I dont really want to blog which I know means that I either cant be bothered or there is something I dont want to face.

I think its a bit of both!

Ive been in real pain for a few days and it seems like constipation. The only time it feels better is when Archie kicks which is lovely! GO Archie kick away!!!!

The other is that I am just so scared of what is going to happen. I want to know if things go wrong then Donor Daddy will donate again. Which Im pretty sure he will but its bothering me.

Ive asked DP to ask them and she agreed with me which I am glad about.

We have a busy few days and I still have over half of my final essay to write. Im a little worried!

Well enough from me and my little kicking man!!!! I love you Archie!

Sort of Babymoon and very sad news

DP's Grandma died this week and the dark times just get darker.

Well DP and I are off to Bristol tomorrow for a friends wedding. She is an old school freind and there will be people I have not seen for 13 / 14 years! Ive already had some dreams about it! I just hope its not a nightmare!

We had an appointment with the consultant on Monday and there are good things and bad things. Basicly.....the liver is still under the diaphram which is VERY good! But this can change and then they found that there is too much fluid in my belly. This is NOT good. But can be drained if it has to be.......

So I have had the most positive week since we found out! I think we must be doing SOMETHING right. All the positivity all the prayers ( on my part i dont think DP has been preyaing!)

We will see....I just hope hope hope hope Archie stays how he is and we dont have to worry about him so much.

I am at high risk of pre term labour. Espcially with my funny uterus as I call it!

I can feel him right nowits wonderefull, I love being pregnant and I love my little boy inside me.

I just KNOW this has to be OK. He has to be OK.

I love him so much I cant loose him.

Reasons Please

Please please someone tell me why oh why my little boy had to be so ill.

We were told that our little boy Archie has a Diaphramtic Hernia. This means that he has a hole in his diaphram.

We have learned alot about it and we have been given odds of only 40% that he will survive. I cant imagine not continuing with this pregnancy. I felt him before and I saw him swiming around on the scan and there he was my little boy. Our little boy. Taylors brother.

I lurch from day to day being ok, then it will hit me and I think what if I loose my child. How will I cope with this.

I think I am being punished. And that hurts becasue I then Archie is being punished for something I have done.

I pray he will be ok and I pray he will be brave. Thats what his name means. Very Brave. he has has to be jsut has to be.

This is one of the darkest times for us. DP's gran is dying in hospital and the sense of lose is so great. I dont think we would be able to get through the days if it werent for our son. He brings joy to us everyday and we need his laughter to brighten up our day and to remind us that life has to go on.

When I feel him move inside me I feel so happy and then the next minute I can find myself crying. I cry every morning. Its the sense that here we are another day closer to his birth and part of me just wants to hold him right there. He is safe within me, the minute he comes into the world it becomes all to dangerous for him.

I cant write anymore, Im at work and I cant cry at work.