Really should be working!

But Im not!
I am fidnign everything and anything to look at but write the damn essay!

Archie has been kicking me loads and I love to feel him so much of the day has been spent sitting here rubbing my tummy!!!

I am still waking up with back ache and DP is being so lovely and sleeping with me up in the attic on the futon. Except I am sleeping on two duvets as well as the mattress. I feel for her and she has had to put up with my moaning about my tummy hurting and my constipation.

Although we do ahve days when we think that the is something wrong with the other. I still worship DP just like I did when we first met 4 years ago. I know it might not be the most healthy thing but its more equall than it sounds. She and Taylor and the tow people that I think of all the time and I wake up and think how lucky I am to be loved by her and to have our gorgeuos son. I just wish my pregnancy journey wasnt being such a hassle.

I worry that DP thinks why cant we just make another baby and be done with it! There has to be something wrong!!!!! Well I hope that makes Archie more special, it does already for me!!!

Then weather is getting warmer and it is so nice to be able to sit outside and enjoy it. DS can play with his toy car and its great just to watch him.

Well I should really go and make sure I do some work today!

Dont really want to blog

I dont really want to blog which I know means that I either cant be bothered or there is something I dont want to face.

I think its a bit of both!

Ive been in real pain for a few days and it seems like constipation. The only time it feels better is when Archie kicks which is lovely! GO Archie kick away!!!!

The other is that I am just so scared of what is going to happen. I want to know if things go wrong then Donor Daddy will donate again. Which Im pretty sure he will but its bothering me.

Ive asked DP to ask them and she agreed with me which I am glad about.

We have a busy few days and I still have over half of my final essay to write. Im a little worried!

Well enough from me and my little kicking man!!!! I love you Archie!

Sort of Babymoon and very sad news

DP's Grandma died this week and the dark times just get darker.

Well DP and I are off to Bristol tomorrow for a friends wedding. She is an old school freind and there will be people I have not seen for 13 / 14 years! Ive already had some dreams about it! I just hope its not a nightmare!

We had an appointment with the consultant on Monday and there are good things and bad things. Basicly.....the liver is still under the diaphram which is VERY good! But this can change and then they found that there is too much fluid in my belly. This is NOT good. But can be drained if it has to be.......

So I have had the most positive week since we found out! I think we must be doing SOMETHING right. All the positivity all the prayers ( on my part i dont think DP has been preyaing!)

We will see....I just hope hope hope hope Archie stays how he is and we dont have to worry about him so much.

I am at high risk of pre term labour. Espcially with my funny uterus as I call it!

I can feel him right nowits wonderefull, I love being pregnant and I love my little boy inside me.

I just KNOW this has to be OK. He has to be OK.

I love him so much I cant loose him.

Reasons Please

Please please someone tell me why oh why my little boy had to be so ill.

We were told that our little boy Archie has a Diaphramtic Hernia. This means that he has a hole in his diaphram.

We have learned alot about it and we have been given odds of only 40% that he will survive. I cant imagine not continuing with this pregnancy. I felt him before and I saw him swiming around on the scan and there he was my little boy. Our little boy. Taylors brother.

I lurch from day to day being ok, then it will hit me and I think what if I loose my child. How will I cope with this.

I think I am being punished. And that hurts becasue I then Archie is being punished for something I have done.

I pray he will be ok and I pray he will be brave. Thats what his name means. Very Brave. he has has to be jsut has to be.

This is one of the darkest times for us. DP's gran is dying in hospital and the sense of lose is so great. I dont think we would be able to get through the days if it werent for our son. He brings joy to us everyday and we need his laughter to brighten up our day and to remind us that life has to go on.

When I feel him move inside me I feel so happy and then the next minute I can find myself crying. I cry every morning. Its the sense that here we are another day closer to his birth and part of me just wants to hold him right there. He is safe within me, the minute he comes into the world it becomes all to dangerous for him.

I cant write anymore, Im at work and I cant cry at work.

I Must do some work!

Well, I am working. But I am also doing a course and I HAVE to get some work done on my next assignment or I am going to be in BIG trouble!!!!

I still have headaches and and I am so hot, my office is an old pie factory so it has a tin roof and its cold in the morning. So I need a jumper, then its like being boiled in the afternoon! Im not joking!

So.....everyone at work is being so lovely. What did I expect? I guess being a lesbian and not being very conventional I think that I felt people would be a little strange with me. But they are all so excited and thats great.

I am still obsessivly looking for maternity clothes in fact I have set up a new account today at Next. And get this I have even thought ahead and bought some jeans in a larger size for when iv had the baby!!!!! WTF!!!!

I am going to be in trouble with DP when she finds out which she will because I dont keep secrets. And I have to confess. I used to keep things in my boot and I did buy a blouse a while ago and I seriously forgot about it and then cleard my boot out and there it was. DP thought I was joking when I said I forgot about it...but really I had!!!

My belly at night is really big, I guess its all gas and stuff, it was the same when i wasnt pregnant and then it would go back again. Part of me is now moarning the fact it will never look like that again. But Im sure that it will be worth it. No I KNOW it will be worth it!

Right just been given loads to do so have to defo go now!!!

Headaches!

Well, ive got horrid head aches and even worse I have had some sort of cold/flu thing which was also around last week when I was off on my own with Mr T.

So we went out last Friday with our freinds for our Birthday and I felt so awful that I didnt have the main course and then felt better so I had some chocolate cake. Think all my freinds thought I was putting it on!

What has made me sad is that I've been sleeping loads in the afternoon so DP has been looking after Mr T and doing all his tea and bathtime routine. Although I dont think I will get away with that for the next few days! And really I dont want to miss out on stuff cuase Im pregnant but sometimes Im just so tired!

We have ahd some organic veg and fruit delivered and this has made me feel all healthy. I kow pregnancy is the time when you should be able to eat what you want but really I think it should be the time when you protect your abby as well.

I almost forgot! I'm sure that I fel the baby! Sometimes there is a hard bit on the left side just under my tummy and it dissapears. As i know that baby is on my left side of my uterus then I'm sure it was! And then there was this funny feeling that I had never really felt before! I was like something moving from one side to another. I wanted to tell DP but it was during the night after a wee so thought it best not too!

We off to a family wedding this weekend which I am looking forward to, I want show off my little bump! It gets bigger when I eat so it should be interesting after the meal!!!


Well enough for now!

Getting Fatter!

Well I finally have a belly and I have had to put one of my pairs of jeans away!

I have been to have my bra fitted at M and S and its the best thing EVER!!!!!! I finally feel comfortable and happy with my new big boobs!

We have had some lovely our time over the weekend, we went shopping and then we went to Matt and Jills for dinner to celebrate Em's birthday. I am still OK about not drinking, I know growing a baby is much more important.

I have teribble back ache this evening and I am wondering if I should give up my subscription with Fertilty Freind. I am fed up of reading about misscarriges. I know that this baby is going to Ok, I will have this baby...I am determind. I know it is more than that, not in my hands but I still have to have belief that my postitivity is going to get me through this.

I am looking forward to more us time this weekend. We have Friday night away from Mr T and then we can another lie in together. It has nearly been 4 years and I feel more and more in love with her all the time.

I could not have wished for anything better for my life.

Mr T is 1 and I have been to the hospital!

Well what a day!

Im not really in the mood for typing but......Its DS's bithday and it was such an amzing time that I want to remember a few things about his 1st Birthday!

I have had some spotting for 4 days and then this morning of all mornings! I have some red spotting. I was so upset, I just wanted to enjoy Mr T and not be worrying!

So I decide not to go to work and wait and ring the hospital. In the mean time we have opend lots of cards and presents and he was in a great mood! DP and I played with him as we had time and he sat on our knees and read some books. We all laughed as we tickled him and when DP went to finish getting ready i chased him on his knees around the ront room.

I tried to keep my worry at bay but every time I could feel something 'down there' I thought it was blood.

We end up going to the hospital and I am scanned and they try to do an internal but it was painful and she didnt seem spend too long on it! Good job!

DP and I watched as the doctor scanned and neither of us could see the heart beat and syb wasnt moving! I was so nervous! DP and I looked at each other and then she said there it is! There is the heart beat, we saw the legs that were crossed and my uterus. It was properly heart shaped so strange! She showed us Syb in another positon as well and I spotted the heart beat on my own straight away. Syb looks comfy in there and the report from the doc says that my uterus isnt too bad so I am now hoping I can go full term and have a natural birth!

I have come home, via next to buy some wedding shoes!!!! Naughty! And I have finished my assignment and then did my time tables! So I am ahead of myself and I am now going to get Mr T soon and make sure that we have a great evening. Relaxed and how it should be.

It is funny that we saw Syb on the screen on Mr T's birthday! He was jut arriving this time last year. Holding him then and now is the most amazing thing, it wipes away all the lack of sleep all the times we havent known what to do...everything. We are a happy family and we will continue to be forever.

I just knew when I saw Syb there on the screen that we will met her soon, well not too soon. October I hope!

We are currently liking Alice(which was my great grandmothers name who was born on the 7th Oct) or Alfie!

That may all change next week!

12 Weeks today!

Well the milestone that is 12 weeks has finally been reached!

I have felt terrible over the weekend too which is great! Espcailly becasue the midwofe could not find a heart beart on Thursday. So I am no doubt that I am still pregant! yeah!

I ahve been reading a great biook by a woman who had two baabies under 2, with an even smaller age gap than Syb aand DS! And she is so happy about being aMum and its scuh an uplifitng book. Very honest and she does go into detail about some of the horrid bits, btu on the whole I feel so positive about being a Mum again and giving birth!

I spent Thursday and Friday just with taykor. DP was working and I can honestly 100% hand on my heart say i am now enjoying every minute! Ok so when DS is not in a good mood and I cant work out exaclty what he wants I feel a bit less euphoric but on the whole being a Mummy is so fab!

I think in my heart it took me a while to completly get my heard round everything! Maybe thats because I didnt give birth, maybe its the same for Dads? I dont know but now I look at DS when I feeding him, dressing him,palying with him, watching him sleep....and I cant belive how lucky I am and how far from my past I now am. My life at different parts has been horrid but now this is the happist I have been.

I know it will be difficult when Syb is born but hey I know DP and I are strong to get through it and we can!

Well I will take my sickness and tiredness and go!

I have a few things that I want to remember before I go...........I can feel this strange sensation on my left side where the baby is...its strange. liek she is growing. I have felt it before and I thin it remids me that she is here with me! Last night it was almost painfull! I had a bath today and I am sure that mu tummy wont fit under the water anymore! Only very sltighlty but its there!

So thats my pregnancy update!

Bye for now!

11 Weeks and Im now 31!

So last week I turned 31 and I had the best day. I used to like going shopping but after I thought about the day I realised that now we have a child and we have to change our priorities things that we used to do I now cherish more than ever.

I just wanted to sit down and eat a Mc Donalds breakfast with the tv on and not feel guilty. I wanted to have a long bath and not worry that I had to get out quickly! So thats what I did and DS had to go to child minder. But I think he likes it there or am I justifying it! DP was happy for him to go too and we enjoyed the morning together. It was sunny and we took the dog for a walk and chatted as we do..about nothing mostly but laughing all the time. i remember we even had a chat about trains as we crossed the railyway track. I love the fact that we just talk and talk and its so easy and not forced.

I also saw a consultant and she has said that there is nothing they can do and as she said lots of times I am a varient of normal, which made u both smile!!!! So I have an extra scan at 28 weeks and I also see the consultant that day too. So its fingers crossed that my little baby grows and grows and stays sfe within me. It feels like such a responsibilty to do everything I can to make sure that Syb is safe.

I am worrying less and less now. I think thats why I was having problems not expressing myself. I think I go into myself so much when I worry and I know I shouldnt but thats how I cope I guess!?

So I saw my family over the weekend and this was good, I laughed so much at my brother, all he was doing was taking a matress upstairs and he just comes out with silly little sayings and I was trying to have a lie and I heard him and just started to laugh! He then called out Jennifer in the way that he does and he came in as I laughed!


Seeing Laura was good too and she was so pleased about Syb! She had no idea! Im disapointed in Tom, he seems so distant from us all at the moment.

Paul and Karen gae us a futon which has saved us so much and DP has now started on the attic, this makes her wife very happy!!!

I have not had much sickness, and I havent been that tired, which worries me and tomorrow I am going to the midwife and hopfully we can hear the heart beat, I know I will cry if we do and I am praying all the time that we do.

I am then meeting all our Gueisley friends for lunch, this is really important to me and I am so glad I am freinds with them too.

So I shall update tomorrow and see if Syb is still ok! I just know she is, I feel her. Deep inside me, growing and we all ready love each other. I just know DP and DS do too!

Sickness

Well, morning sickness has deffinatly arrived! I am not feeling to well at all. Luckly over the last few days I have been able to have afternoon naps to get rid of it and also because I have been so tired!!!!!!

We went to DP's mothers for lunch yesterday which is normally ok but what made it better was that I ended up feeling awful after lunch and MIL was sweet enough to tell me to go and nap! So I got to have 2 hours sleep whilst we were there! I didnt think that she was taken with me but she seems genuienly pleased that I am going to have a baby!

Work is awful, everyone that I like or frieinds with has now left. So I left with people that are not horrid just not people I like. Sometimes they can be horrid. Like the comments today about my George Micheal tickets, these people are supposed to be all inclusive and they just aren't sometimes. So not only am I sat there feeling sick and tired and i cant tell anyone yet and Im with people I dont like!!!!

So moan, moan moan!

On a lighter note....Im 31 on Wednesday! EEK! Not sure how that leaves me feeling! Im ok really! Cant do anything about it and I am so happy I am going to have a baby that I'm sure that I dont care!

We are off to see my brother this coming weekend and I m really looking forward to seeing him and spending time down south, I love being around my family. We spend so much time up here, its lovely to see them.

Well, I am going to go....I think Ive summed up all thats going on...Im sick, tired, nearly older and happy to be getting fatter! Although I must just remind myself that even when I have eaten I still feel sick and my boobs still really hurt!!!! I want to remember everything!

Sickness

Well, morning sickness has deffinatly arrived! I am not feeling to well at all. Luckly over the last few days I have been able to have afternoon naps to get rid of it and also because I have been so tired!!!!!!

We went to DP's mothers for lunch yesterday which is normally ok but what made it better was that I ended up feeling awful after lunch and MIL was sweet enough to tell me to go and nap! So I got to have 2 hours sleep whilst we were there! I didnt think that she was taken with me but she seems genuienly pleased that I am going to have a baby!

Work is awful, everyone that I like or frieinds with has now left. So I left with people that are not horrid just not people I like. Sometimes they can be horrid. Like the comments today about my George Micheal tickets, these people are supposed to be all inclusive and they just aren't sometimes. So not only am I sat there feeling sick and tired and i cant tell anyone yet and Im with people I dont like!!!!

So moan, moan moan!

On a lighter note....Im 31 on Wednesday! EEK! Not sure how that leaves me feeling! Im ok really! Cant do anything about it and I am so happy I am going to have a baby that I'm sure that I dont care!

We are off to see my brother this coming weekend and I m really looking forward to seeing him and spending time down south, I love being around my family. We spend so much time up here, its lovely to see them.

Well, I am going to go....I think Ive summed up all thats going on...Im sick, tired, nearly older and happy to be getting fatter! Although I must just remind myself that even when I have eaten I still feel sick and my boobs still really hurt!!!! I want to remember everything!

Bad Blogger

Well I'm a bad blogger and the thing that I really wanted to do was make sure that I kept upwith it so I could remeber everything about my pregnancy!

So this is just today and then on Sunday I am going to sit down and write lots and lots about the last week. or so. Well it will turn out to be two weeks by then!

So her is todays news!

I am nto well and havent been since last week really. Ive had a cold which to varying degress we all have.

DS has been the worse and he has been really poorly, I had to have yesterday off and DP is off today.

He has been sick since Sunday and has had two visits to the doctors. I have been really emotional about it, I think that its a mixture of my pregnancy and also just the fact that I really love him and dont want him to be so ill.

You just want to hug him and make sure that he is ok but sometimes he just pushes us away! He is funny like that!

I have had little syb niggles as I call them! Just little pains on the left side where I know she is.

I like feeling it, I dont think that it means anything is wrong. I really want to feel done with worrying. I want to enjoy watching my body and my baby grow.

So from here on in thats my new resolution, not so much new year just a new pregnancy one!

I also spoke to my Dad today and my step mother, she seemed interested in how I was doing which is nice. I want to tell Mum so badly that I am going to give birth to the grandchild she never thought she would have and that I am already a mummy. I feel down about it so badly sometimes and have to push it away. For some reason, I am feeling lots of emotions and I dont feel like showing them.

I am not sure if I have always been like this with DP but I am at the moment. Strange and I have no answers.

Well...anyway. I am seeing Dad on the 18th and then they are hopefully coming up for DS first birthday!

Yeah!

A spot of bother!

Well after three horrid shifts DP, DS and I went out for the day into the neaerst city for lunch at to pick up a pair of glasses for me.

During lunch I go to the loo and there and behold more spotting. So I call the local early pregnancy unit and they are going to scan me tomorrow. DP now thinks I am an alarmist as I haven had anymore since and thinks this is just an excuse for another scan! As if I would do that!

I also had an appointment with the midwife and seemed to be very realxed about my whole strange shapped uterus! She was nice though and I now have lots of things to read and my own plastic notes.

All the little things about DP's pregnancy I remember like the plastic folder I now have and its funny! I am so pleased I am pregnant! I love the fact I now have big boobs.

In the bastroom thns morning whilst DP and DS slept in I checked out all my blue viens! Its fab!

I was feeling better last week and then on Friday after waiting for ages for the gas man to turn up DS and I fell asleep on the sofa. Gas man turns up, we woke up with a start and I felt AWFUL!!! Head ache, hungry, sick!!!! It was fab!

How strange now that all the things that I would hat to be I am so pleased with!

Last weekend I was sick and I was laughing at the end! I hate being sick!

Well today is another lovely family day,. we are going for a family walk and then a realxing and early night for me and DP.

I wish we had more weekends like this next wekend we are going something every day! But hey if we were bored then I would complain!

I am sat at work and Ive got such a bad headache! But Im leaving soon so I will be able to drink and eat at home.

I missed a team away day last week, in prefrence for my midwife appointment. People were getting at me casue I wasnt going. i then burst into tears and then made a right fool of myself so i know that tomorrow I will defo be the odd one out when it soems to the conversations as to what happend last week.

I just have to thnk nothing is more importnat than our next arrival!

Im Now pregnant!

Well I had totally forgotton that I started this! I had also started a paper diary but this will be much quicker seeing as I actually type quicker than I write!

Sad but true!

So there is lots and lots that has happend but breifly.....I got a BFP! I then spotted for 9 days, I was off work for 2 weeks then I had a scan at 6weeks and 4 days of 3 days depending who you are me or the docs!

I was then told that I have a bicornuate uterus. This means that I have a funny shaped uterus!

So this could mean anything....I could miscarrige, but thats worse case...or I could have to have a c section or I may have a pre term labour.

But we shall see I have an apointment with my midwife on Thursday.

DP as always is being amazing and is allowing me to take it easy as possible!

So I will fill in.

Here is my daily symptoms update......no nausea, boobs are sore. Not really to say which in itself worries me so I tested and it was positive so thats good!